Dear Not Happy
The key to any difficult conversation is: A. Start in a safe place; B. Acknowledge the other person's point of view; and C. Present your issue factually and not emotionally. In this case, a safe place to start might be the boss's interests in Boy Scouts. Compare these exchanges.

Not good:
"Boss, I feel you are taking advantage of your position asking us to work on this Boy Scout stuff."

Better:
"How much work do the Boy Scouts expect from you as a volunteer?" followed by, "That is a big commitment. I'll bet the kids appreciate it." and "I respect your work with the Scouts. I am also finding it hard to take on non-work-related projects given my workload. What could we do from here that is fair to both of us?"

As for going above your boss's head, I feel that you owe it to him or her to discuss the issue directly first. Going to someone's manager should be reserved for situations where important boundaries are being crossed, because in general your working relationship will probably never be the same afterward. Normally my mantra is that criticism, from you or someone's manager, is the least effective way to get what you want. Good luck!

Richard S. Gallagher

Richard S. Gallagher is a corporate trainer, speaker and author who specializes in the mechanics of workplace culture and communication. His latest book, How to Tell Anyone Anything, provides an effective step-by-step method for successfully navigating difficult conversations at work.

Dear Stuck and Stressed,
So sorry to hear about your stressful situation.  With this kind of person, you have to practice the advanced unhooking process which we call the four D's in our book Working With You is Killing Me.

You have to Detect, Detach, Depersonalize and Deal.

Detect that you are working with a passive-aggressive saboteur. She is someone who makes it her business to do things in front of you and behind your back to make you feel insecure. She is probably not that competent herself and feels that the only way to look good to others is to make you feel bad about yourself.

Detach means accepting that you are not going to change this person. Nothing you do or say is going to turn her into a kind, honest individual. That said, you need to move onto the third D.

Depersonalize. This is the most difficult because it means not taking her behavior personally. You are not the first person she's bullied and you won't be the last. You did not cause her to be this way.  She will find another target after you and for years to come.

With all this in mind, you can turn to Deal. That means devising a plan to take back control. The best way to do this with this person is to act completely immune to her criticisms.  If she says something demeaning, you just let it roll off your back, and you act as if you are confident and secure.  Nothing will bother her more than NOT upsetting you.

Finally, don't forget to document everything you do and every conversation you have with this person so that, if she does try to make you look bad, you have evidence to support your side of the story.

Please check out our chapter on “Fatal Attractions in the Workplace” in Working With You Is Killing Me. I know this isn't easy, but you can take back control if you practice the 4 D's and find other places to shine.

Katherine and Kathi

Katherine Crowley and Kathi Elster are the authors of Working With You Is Killing Me. As a psychotherapist (Katherine) and a management consultant (Kathie), together they’ve developed a method for dealing with difficult people and challenging conditions at work that transforms the way businesses uncover and resolve their greatest interpersonal dilemmas.

Their company, K Squared Enterprises, has assisted individuals at every level of employment – from executives to managers to frontline employees.

Dear Not,
The short answer is that you’re probably sabotaging yourself and your future chances at promotion if you choose to ignore the boss’ request for a neater office.

But that said, you should gather a little information before you act. The first thing to do is take a walk around your office. What does everyone else’s desk look like? Where do you fall in the spectrum of orderliness and messiness? The reason you want to scope this out is because unspoken office culture can explain a lot here. If you’re the only messy one, you probably need to start paying more attention to the norms of the office, and just clean up your desk more often. When in Rome and all that….

But if you’re not the only messy one, you should have a conversation with the boss about his reasons for citing you on this. Don’t be defensive or accusing with your boss; that’s not going to gain you anything. Start by saying that you feel singled out and you’d like to know if that’s true.

Has he talked to the other mess-makers in the office about it too? If it’s just you, why does he hold you to a higher standard than others? Is there a legitimate reason for this? (like your office is the one that visitors see when they walk in, or other people have jobs that just require more stuff). While this will help you understand where your boss is coming from, it probably won’t change the bottom line. So compromise and clean your desk. No one says you have to file, just clear out the bottom drawer and hide your stacks when you’re not using them and pull them out again when you need to work.

Good Luck,
Nicole LeMieux-Rever

Nicole is the founder of Learning and Performance Systems located in Dearborn Mich. She has worked with all levels of organizations from the board room to the front line providing creative and innovative learning to help organizations attain the results they desire.